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Nosely Midget
= Nosely Midget = A Screenplay by Bob and the Gang INT. MY MUM'S CAR - AFTERNOON Snotty wizard MR LARRY SNOTTER is arguing with smeksy trophy SHE-HULK GLOOP. LARRY tries to hug SHE-HULK but she shakes him off. LARRY Please She-Hulk, don't leave me. SHE-HULK I'm sorry Larry, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away. LARRY I am such a person! SHE-HULK frowns. SHE-HULK I'm sorry, Larry. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore. SHE-HULK leaves. LARRY sits down, looking defeated. Moments later, Black soulless companion MR RON WEASLY barges in looking flustered. LARRY Goodness, Ron! Is everything okay? RON I'm afraid not. LARRY What is it? Don't keep me in suspense... RON It's ... a midget ... I saw an evil midget violently consume by tearing them into shreds with a circular buzzsaw a bunch of autistic baby imps! LARRY Defenseless autistic baby imps? RON Yes, defenseless autistic baby imps! LARRY Bloomin' heck, Ron! We've got to do something. RON I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start. LARRY You can start by telling me where this happened. RON I was... RON fans himself and begins to wheeze. LARRY Focus Ron, focus! Where did it happen? RON The chamber of midgets! That's right - The chamber of midgets! LARRY springs up and begins to run. EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS LARRY rushes along the street, followed by RON. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way. INT. THE CHAMBER OF MIDGETS - SHORTLY AFTER SQUIDWARD WITH NO NOSE a nosely midget terrorises two autistic baby imps. LARRY, closely followed by RON, rushes towards SQUIDWARD, but suddenly stops in his tracks. RON What is is? What's the matter? LARRY That's not just any old midget, that's Squidward With No Nose! RON Who's Squidward With No Nose? LARRY Who's Squidward With No Nose? Who's Squidward With No Nose? Only the most nosely midget in the universe! RON Blinkin' knickers, Larry! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most nosely midget in the universe! LARRY You can say that again. RON Blinkin' knickers, Larry! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most nosely midget in the universe! LARRY I'm going to need kicking it, lots of kicking it. Squidward turns and sees Larry and Ron. He grins an evil grin. SQUIDWARD Larry Snotter, we meet again. RON You've met? LARRY Yes. It was a long, long time ago... EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME A young LARRY is sitting in a park listening to some acid jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him. He looks up and sees SQUIDWARD. He takes off his headphones. SQUIDWARD Would you like some human flesh? LARRY's eyes light up, but then he studies SQUIDWARD more closely, and looks uneasy. LARRY I don't know, you look kind of nosely. SQUIDWARD Me? No. I'm not nosely. I'm the least nosely midget in the world. LARRY Wait, you're a midget? LARRY runs away, screaming. INT. THE CHAMBER OF MIDGETS - PRESENT DAY SQUIDWARD You were a coward then, and you are a coward now. RON (To LARRY) You ran away? LARRY (To RON) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do? LARRY turns to SQUIDWARD. LARRY I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time! LARRY runs away. He turns back and shouts. LARRY I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with kicking it. SQUIDWARD I'm not scared of you. LARRY You should be. EXT. SHREK'S SWAMP - LATER THAT DAY LARRY and RON walk around searching for something. LARRY I feel sure I left my kicking it somewhere around here. RON Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly kicking it. LARRY You know nothing Ron Weasly. RON We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here. Suddenly, SQUIDWARD appears, holding a pair of kicking it. SQUIDWARD Looking for something? RON Crikey, Larry, he's got your kicking it. LARRY Tell me something I don't already know! RON The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km. LARRY I know that already! RON I don't like sand, it's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere. SQUIDWARD (appalled) Dude! While SQUIDWARD is looking at RON with disgust, LARRY lunges forward and grabs his deadly kicking it. He wields them, triumphantly. LARRY Prepare to die, you nosely poisonous potato! SQUIDWARD No please! All I did was violently consume by tearing them into shreds with a circular buzzsaw a bunch of autistic baby imps! SHE-HULK enters, unseen by any of the others. LARRY I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those autistic baby imps were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Larry Snotter defender of innocent autistic baby imps. SQUIDWARD Don't hurt me! Please! LARRY Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these kicking it on you right away! SQUIDWARD Because Larry, I am your father. LARRY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself. LARRY No you're not! SQUIDWARD Ah well, it had to be worth a try. SQUIDWARD tries to grab the kicking it but LARRY dodges out of the way. LARRY Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh? Unexpectedly, SQUIDWARD slumps to the ground. RON Did he just faint? LARRY I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly kicking it. LARRY crouches over SQUIDWARD's body. RON Be careful, Larry. It could be a trick. LARRY No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Squidward With No Nose is dead! LARRY What? LARRY Yes, it appears that I scared him to death. RON claps his hands. RON So your kicking it did save the day, after all. SHE-HULK steps forward. SHE-HULK Is it true? Did you kill the nosely midget? LARRY She-Hulk how long have you been...? SHE-HULK puts her arm around LARRY. SHE-HULK Long enough. LARRY Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Squidward With No Nose. SHE-HULK Then the autistic baby imps are safe? LARRY It does seem that way! A crowd of vulnerable autistic baby imps enter, looking relived. SHE-HULK You are their hero. The autistic baby imps bow to LARRY. LARRY There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Squidward With No Nose will never violently consume by tearing them into shreds with a circular buzzsaw autistic baby imps ever again, is enough for me. SHE-HULK You are humble as well as brave! One of the autistic baby imps passes LARRY a rare diamond hoe SHE-HULK I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude. LARRY I couldn't possibly. Pause. LARRY Well, if you insist. LARRY takes the diamond hoe. LARRY Thank you. The autistic baby imps bow their heads once more, and leave. LARRY turns to SHE-HULK. LARRY Does this mean you want me back? SHE-HULK Oh, Larry, of course I want you back! LARRY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant. LARRY Well you can't have me. SHE-HULK WHAT? LARRY You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a midget to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that. SHE-HULK But... LARRY Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Ron. RON grins. SHE-HULK But... RON You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo! SHE-HULK Larry? LARRY I'm sorry She-Hulk, but I think you should skidaddle. SHE-HULK leaves. RON turns to LARRY. RON Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend? LARRY Of course you are! The two walk off arm in arm. Suddenly RON stops. RON When I said I don't like sand, it's coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere, you know I was just trying to distract the midget don't you? THE END Category:Movies